the mizerable wizard

A wizard’s life is not a happy one.
It’s blood, sweat and tears: not a lot of fun.

You’ve got to do all sorts of tricks
like juggling a pile of bricks...

or swallowing a sword
so the kids don’t get bored...

or pulling a rabbit out of a hat
to amuse some snotty-nosed brat...

or sawing a lady in half
just to get a laugh.

It all starts getting a little too much
the birthdays, barmitzahs, and weddings and such.

Too many cold nights, too many long winters
my robe needs dry cleaning, my wand gives me splinters.

Pick a card, any card, and I’ll tell you a story
of how I missed out on my fame and my glory.

My downfall began one day in December
some nine odd years, I seem to remember.

I’d started my business -– a magical service
of course I was anxious, of course I was nervous.

Helping people lose weight, win lotto, quit smoking
(yes, that’s a fact, no kidding no joking.)

For a while it was great—I sold mystical spells
for bad breath, athlete’s foot, all kinds of bad smells.

My first client was a boy with a terrible wart
which I charmed off his palm with no second thought.

My problems, my worries, my woes all began
when a pretty young thing needed help with her man.

Jezebel Jones was a vixen, a minx
with a gaze just as scary and cold as the sphinx.

“Can you help me, oh wizard, my boyfriend’s a fool
he’s cheating on me and that’s so uncool.

“What I need from you is some drops or a potion
to make his love for me as deep as the ocean.”

“Young lady,” I said, “nothing could be easier
I’ll give you something to make him less sleazier.”

I mixed a concoction that was kind of nifty.
With tax, my bill came to $64.50.

On the label his name and the dosage I wrote
" '3 drops before bedtime, Max, down your throat.' "

“Now remember,” I said, as she walked out the door
“three drops in his beer, no less and no more”.

Now I’m no Houdini and God knows whodunnit
but something went wrong and I couldn't outrunnit.

My fate was sealed that day in December
some nine odd years I don’t want to remember.

Hell hath no fury like Jezebel Jones...
a few weeks later, her eyes hard as stones

she came storming in with a snarl and a curse:
“You jerk! you dickhead! you’ve just made it worse!”

Ben, my familiar, a grizzled old wombat
scurried away to avoid any combat.

“What’s wrong, my dear?” I tried to stay calm
concerned that Jezza would do me real harm.

With a shriek and a sob and a whine and a wail
she grudgingly told me the whole sordid tale:

"A romantic dinner, my place was the venue
everything perfect, the music, the menu

"I'd ordered in Thai food, I had a green salad
soft lights, champagne, a Barry White ballad.

"I slipped him the drops, just like you told me
then stripped to my undies and asked him to hold me.

"We got down to business but that's when he faltered
I couldn't believe it, 'twas like he'd been …'altered'!

"My Stallion! My Max! And to think that I payed
good money to have him magically spayed!

"How could it happen, in this day and age?
You'd better explain, you mangy old mage!"

I nodded, I smiled, I ummed and I ahhed.
Something like this could get me disbarred…

…from the AWU*, of which I'm a member
(*Australian Wizard's Union, Head Office Lakemba)

"My dear," I said softly, "I'm sorry, I mean it.
Who could have known it, who could have foreseen it?

"Profound and complex are the mystical laws
but I'll try and give you a reason, a cause:

"Nobody likes to be covered in lumps
that's why most kids get a jab for the mumps.

"But there's always a chance, there are no guarantees
prevention can sometimes cause the disease.

"Like the risk that there is with any vaccine
the spell must have changed your Max to Maxine!"

She must not have liked my explanation
about what went wrong with the medication.

No "ifs" or "wherefores" or "how comes" or "buts"
she suddenly gave me a kick in the nuts.

She kicked and she punched without even a pause
"You've taken his manhood, so now I'll have yours!"

And thus ends the story, it's really quite tragic
of how I lost my power and my magic.

continued under the "barbarians" label...

Copyright © S R Schwarz 2007. All rights reserved.

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