scrapings of the scrapings of the bottom of the barrel

MY mother always says that if YOU haven't got anything nice to say, YOU shouldn't say anything. So, with that in mind if you'd be so kind unless you're blind below please find, ta-dah:

Oddest openers of unpublished novels that never will be:

Gazing out over the green sward from his vantage point upon a ledge roughly halfway up the east face of Mount Cruggenheimer, Praxiteles felt at pieces with himself...

Fred-James Jameson stood up in the coracle, tipping himself over in the bay, from whence he waved wetly to Tahini full forlorn upon the shore...

Once upon a time there was a poor young woodcutter called Jim by everyone except his close family members who called him Jack but no-one knew why...

Sadness comes and goes like mice upon a rusty treadmill thing, or the unbearable lightness of cigarette ash upon the degradation of a coffee table...

Packed more tightly than tinned sardines, the archangels smiled wryly at each other while the paddy wagon bumped and thumped on the bad old track to the Internment Camp...

"Declaim more thusly," quoth Boris the Orator to his pupil, Quasimodo...

Every time a little boy was born in the village of Eat-and-Run, all the sheep and goats and cats and dogs were all decked out gaily with pink ribbons in their hair or fur...

"Oh the blandishments of marmalade upon Düsseldorf," remarked the were-pumpkin to zir sidekick, Dildo Shaggins...

To soften steak we use a mallet, so the meat sits soft upon the palate, and slides more smoothly down the gullet...

Yes I know, I know. Slim Pickin's this week. In my defense I can say I haven't just dreamed up the above specifically and explicitly for this post. All of them are genuine, actual, historical attempts of mine at novelizing. All real crap. None of that artificial crap sold here.

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eBooks by Cosmic Rapture

NIGHTMERRIES: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF DARKNESS This so-called "book" will chew you up, spit you out, and leave you twitching and frothing on the carpet. More than 60 dark and feculent fictions (read ‘em and weep) copiously illustrated by over 20 grotesque images you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley.

AWAREWOLF & OTHER CRHYMES AGAINST HUMANITY (Vot could be Verse?) We all hate poetry, right? But we might make an exception for this sick and twisted stuff. This devil's banquet of adults-only offal features more than 50 satanic sonnets, vitriolic verses and odious odes.

MANIC MEMES & OTHER MINDSPACE INVADERS A disturbing repository of quotably quirky quotes, sayings, proverbs, maxims, ponderances, adages and aphorisms. This menagerie holds no fewer than 184 memes from eight meme-species perfectly adapted to their respective environments.

MASTRESS & OTHER TWISTED TAILS, ILLUSTRATED: an unholy corpus of oddities, strangelings, bizarritudes and peculiaritisms

FIENDS & FREAKS Adults-only Tales of Serpents, Dragons, Devils, Lobsters, Anguished Spirits, Gods, Anti-gods and Other Horse-thieves You Wouldn't Want to Meet in a Dark Kosmos: 4th Edition

HAGS TO HAGGIS Whiskey-soaked Tails of War-nags, Witches, Manticores and Escapegoats, Debottlenecking and Desilofication, Illustrated

Illsa Gorrey said...

I enjoy the oddness! My mother always said that if you can't beat them, eat them.

puny human said...

I needed to laugh today, and laughing at ourselves (hey, I've got some strange sentences in my bottom drawer, too) is the best kind. Thanks for the light!
Puny

masterymistery said...

Hi Ilsa,

your mother is an eminently sensible person. Building upon her work, how about: if you can't beat them, or defeat them, eat them, then excrete them!

Thanks for stopping b y.

masterymistery said...

puny human, glad it made you laugh. there's far too little laughter in the world today. Thanks for your commment.

Shubhajit said...

"Sadness comes and goes like mice upon a rusty treadmill thing, or the unbearable lightness of cigarette ash upon the degradation of a coffee table..."

I like this one, though a few others are also good.

I completely agree, it's always lead us to drivel if we talk for sake of talking. Better to keep mum.

Antares said...

Your response to Illsa takes the cake - which you're entitled to have for dessert even if it proves inedible.

masterymistery said...

Shubhajit, I tried keeping mum but it proved too expensive!

Antares, making any money from blogging is is a tough challenge -- I have no dough, and therefore no bread and definitely no cake, notwithstanding the shade of Marie Antoinette wafting behind my left shoulder as I type this comment!

Thank you both for your comments and for stopping by.