it wuz a dark and stormy night

This post was written by an old friend of mine, Rob Leslie, who has passed on. I think he has rather a nice turn of phrase.

There were 250 crew in their positions....3 cameras, manned...their tracks snaking out over marked shot widths and lengths....lights standing gauntly against the shimmering night sky, casting eerie shadows through the halogen lit haze....
We waited....excited.... a little anxious...cos fuckups cost BIG BUCKS and none wanted the finger of the PRODUCER GODS to be pointed at them....check....triple check....waiting for the MOMENT !!!

We scanned the frame - camera left...where they would appear from.....NOTHING YET !!

Mutttered voices over radios and muted squelch sound replies....lots of exchanged looks from and to each other...many cigarettes being lit...subtle forays into the camera truck for a quick schnarff ; angered Hebew voices raised high and then quickly cut off by a quick retort from a crew compadre'...silencing the noisy nafka... " HAS, COESACHTA !! " ( shut up, you poes...!)

And then...the sound of voices, SINGING, a swelling sound rising as the procession snaked into frame from said camera left....with blazing torches held high, creating this wavy smoky river of flickering light....500 evilly costumed extras - looking like a cross between Polynesian head hunters and Central African warriors - all bedecked with ash and shoe white, with feathers in the hair and clip on bones through their schnozzes....designer Alice bands gone wrong...straw skirts...images of Cameroonian rites and Borneo braves in jungles, hunting,
...wuz awesome !!

Led by GAGOOLA - the evil SANGOMA....wearing a necklace of Juju Muti shit around her neck...rattling crap with grinning heads - SHRUNKEN BARBIES! ...REALLY !
Boiled and painted with a rigor mouth...snakes and glittering beads, bones...bells, strange beaten copper objects with symbols inscribed.... from a fucken witch boutique from the Rodeo Drive of Rwanda...!

JAIZUS ! PRODUCTION VALUE !!!

We wuz mightily impressed....!

Behind Gagoola came RICHARD CHAMBERPOT - trussed in chains, smeared with imprisonment kak and fighting his captors....a warrior on four ends of the irons...beefy types, with prison yard workout six packs and torsos...keeping him from escaping....such a delishas campy moment for our hero...fighting with the help ! Such a BUTCH moment, even his pulled bambi eyes from his recent facelift looked MEAN with concentration !

OOOH....HOW MANLY !! ( ...off camera curtsy...)

( Harrison Ford took his cue from this LOOK...Tulula Bankhead Chamberlain strapped on the railway tracks while EVIL VILLAIN lays the dynamite...oh, the EYES ! )

Gagoola cackling evilly, walking backwards at the head of this procession... a manic cheerleader pulling the whole gaggle along to THE PIT !!!

This was a green swampy pond with a tree in the middle of the water, with outstretched limbs, perfect for... A LYNCHING !

...and with CROCS !!!

There were about eight or ten of these beasties in the swamp water...lazing, their scaly and ridged skins prickling out of the green slime...snouts potruding...just....gentle ripples of winded water playing over their hulking bulk....soothing the menace that lay just beneath....

The procession gets to the edge of the pond...cameras whirling away...crew balleting their choreographed film moves....fiery torches smoke and flame, grotesque faces grinning and laughing as Chamberpot gets trussed and the rope is thrown over the selected branch and the Beefies haul him upside down into position....over the CROCS....

SWINGER Richard !!

( cameras whirl more, dollies are pushed into position...focus pulled....lights tweaked...necks craned, positions jostled for...Producers peer from under brimmed palms...the MOMENT ! )

fucken nothing !!! the crocs aren't interested...nada !!!

...not a snap...nor wink of eye...just a croc dreaming as crocs do...of taken prey, of underwater lairs and of never having to floss....stillness in the pond...yawn.....


PANIC !!!!!

Producers and technical heads of department huddle in a minyan of mayhem....

FREAK OUT !!! No shot...all that insurance on DICK and he's STILL hanging from his legs, his arms strapped to his sides...his face puce from the bloodflow and he's SCREAMING FUCKEN BLOO MURDER !!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HE'S SHOUTING....

now he's SWINGING - WILDLY - HE WANTS OUT !!! FUCK THE SHOT !!!!

NOW HE'S FLIPPED COMPLETELY ...HIS PUCKERED O-RING IS CASTENETING...
...FEAR FEAR FEAR !!

MORE WILDER SWINGING....CONVULSING...!!! EYES WIDE WITH TERROR...SCREAMING !!!

PRODUCERS AND LIGHTING PEEL OFF FROM THE HUDDLE - the sparky runs to the generator and grabs cables leading from the D.B. board and heads at a gallop to the pond....while producers scream at the camera crews to KEEP FILMING !!!

We are agog at this spectacle that unfoldeth...such chaos ! Such a filmic psychodrama !
FRANTIC PUBLISCIST FROTHING SPIT AS SHE SCREAMS FOR THE RELEASE OF HER CLIENT...script and clipboard go flying....hair awry, limbs flailing, clawing at the EXECUTIVE PRODUCER....madness, shoving...we gawp and are verrily entertained...

BUT THERE'S MORE !!

...the cable guy drops the ac/dc leads in to the pond...

THE CROCS GO FUCKEN CRAZY AS THE POWER SURGES THROUGH THEIR COLD BLOODED BODIES...THEY REAR AND SNAP MADLY....LIKE POLE VAULTERS THEY ARCH THEMSELVES SKYWARDS - TOWARDS....towards...

CHAMBERPOT - WHO IS NOW KEENING IN TERROR AND TRYING TO CURL HIMSELF UP TOWARDS HIS TOES...VERTICAL SITUPS ...and IS SO CLOSE TO THESE SNAPPING JAWS - FOR REAL !!

we could hear the clack as their mouths ground together as they snaked upwards in a spray of pounded water...

CHAMBERPOT IS IN RIGOR TERROR...NECK MUSCLES AND TENDONS TAUT AND
...the scream....so edvard muntch....the wail....the keening...the flailing...the adrenalin...the pants shitting fear of the man...

...the fucken excitement of it all !!

We wuz amazed !!!

500 extras...250 crew....50 invited guests...assorted cast and crocs...
...and a Chamberpot tied in a pear tree...

MAYHEM AND PANDEMONIUM !!!

The producers scream at the cable guy who hauls in the wires....immediately the snappers splash down into a heaving tumble of twisted bodies, heads and tails...frothy water, plants
and debris...

A CREW IS DISPATCHED AT A RUN ...CASEVAC OPERATION....

...and the trembling Wretchard is hauled down....his body twitching and spasming...Bambi's locked open and fluttering wildly....medics running in slo mo towards him....Chariots of Fire toon playing....sound freezes and the air vacuums...all erupts... crew and extras....absolute total crazy shit....

WE FUCKEN LOVED IT !!!!

...ah...anudder boring day in the filmic trenches....ho hum.....

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ghostseeker said...

Cool! I want to see this movie, though it frankly sounds like it would have been more fun to work on it!

masterymistery said...

ghostseeker, I wonder if it ever even screened. Must ask Rob one of these days.

Thanks for stopping by.