unanswerables

Klaus Dieter SchwarzIn all the years of my life before my father died, I had believed myself answerable only to myself.

After his death, I realised that deep down I had always believed myself answerable only to him. And that I continue to, and probably always will.

At least until I figure out how to be answerable
-- profoundly as well as superficially, front as well as back of mind -- to myself, and therefore by extension to ETI.

One of my biggest regrets is that I never said "I love you" to him, at least not in this life. But hopefully -- somehow, somewhere, somewhen -- he is reading these words with a smile playing across his face, much like the smile in the photograph.

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NIGHTMERRIES: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF DARKNESS This so-called "book" will chew you up, spit you out, and leave you twitching and frothing on the carpet. More than 60 dark and feculent fictions (read ‘em and weep) copiously illustrated by over 20 grotesque images you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley.

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MASTRESS & OTHER TWISTED TAILS, ILLUSTRATED: an unholy corpus of oddities, strangelings, bizarritudes and peculiaritisms

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HAGS TO HAGGIS Whiskey-soaked Tails of War-nags, Witches, Manticores and Escapegoats, Debottlenecking and Desilofication, Illustrated

Antares said...

This is a profound inner journey you've embarked upon, my friend. There's history, herstory and mystery interwoven with the quest for your own mythic context. We are all on the same journey. When you've integrated your father the only face looking back at you from the mirror will be your own.

Brian Miller said...

i hear you on not saying i love you...my did never did with his pop...we had a long talk about this recently...answerable to self is a good but hard goal...

Alice Audrey said...

He has a nice face, the kind that lends itself to smiling. I'm sure in some part of ETI he's already aware of your progress and is proud of you.

masterymistery said...

Thanks all for your kind words. I'm no longer "grief stricken" as I was in the initial weeks after his death. But every now and then, his absence jumps up and bites me. It's times like those that I find comfort in the thoughts and words of friends.

Antares, much food for thought in your comment. Penetrating insights, thank you. I feel I am making slow progress on that quest.

Brian, in my opinion, when we relinquish control/responsibility to the State and/or social institutions, we're abdicating our responsibilities as free, creative beings. But that's just how I look at it: Everyone finds zir own balance between the needs of the individual vs those of the group.

Alice, it's uncanny how your comment touches on something that I initially considered including in the post, but ultimately didn't.

But here it is now: Alongside the regret of never having said "I love you" to him, is the regret that he will (mayb) never know the end of the story of MY life. He will never have the opportuntity to proud of me and my achievements, and/or what I did/do as a result of what I learned from him.

But "never" is a short word (only 5 characters) --- hardly long enough to walk in the Company of Absolutes, which includes such members of the Company as "Eternity", "Always" "Everything".