One day the Devil came across a bunch of kids playing marbles in the dirt at the side of the road in the shadow of their school bus. The bus had broken down on the way to school; the driver had run off, God knew where.
“Hey kids mind if I join you?” the Devil asked politely, (but inwardly smirking at the prospect of some nice juicy roast kids for lunch).
They didn’t mind so the Devil squatted down on his goatish haunches and played marbles with the kids. But the kids were too good for the Devil — they kept winning, which the Devil found rather irritating. So the Devil started cheating and won a couple games, which made him happy, or at least vaguely satisfied in a limited sort of way, temporarily at least.
But the kids just played a little harder, a little better, concentrated a little more, really focused on their objectives. And soon the Devil was losing again, even though he was cheating with all his considerable might.
Now, losing was not an experience with which the Devil was familiar, and that made him feel rather uncomfortable, humiliated, if the truth be told. And feeling humiliated and uncomfortable the Devil emitted a series of sulphurous farts (to relieve a surplus of gas in his bubbling boiling satanic stomach).
The children giggled and smirked at the farting Devil, which made the Devil very angry, very red in the face. He roared and snorted like a grumpy old dragon, and black and grey steam came out of his ears, and his eyeballs bulged out of their sockets, all nine of them.
But the kids weren’t scared one little bit, and they weren’t in the least bit impressed either. They just carried on playing marbles, and winning, and they giggled behind their hands at the antics of the enraged Devil.
So the Devil threw red hot knives at them, but the knives just bounced off the kids’ tungsten-coated optimism.
The Devil got angrier and angrier, and felt more and more humiliated, which made him fart louder and louder. Until the Devil became so angry that his tail dropped off. This prompted a veritable gale of hysterical giggling and laughter from the kids.
So the Devil threw hungry lions and poisonous snakes and scorpions and very large psycho-killer dogs at the kids. But the kids just petted the hungry lions, and cuddled the poisonous snakes and scorpions, and gave the large psycho-killer dogs little tasty doggie treats they had bought with them, specifically for that purpose.
Well, at that point, that the Devil was mightily surprised, I can tell you, quite astonished to be frank and earnest. He started wondering who these kids really were, and where they came from. He started feeling very anxious that maybe he had bitten off more than he could chew. Which in fact was an entirely justifiable concern. Because the kids weren’t really kids at all: they were ...
Continues in FIENDS AND FREAKS now available at Amazon.com FIENDS AND FREAKS and serpents, dragons, devils, hell-beings, anguished spirits, anti-gods, gods and other horse-thieves you wouldn't want to meet in a dark cosmos ...
Three and thirty twisted tails so outrageous you'll split your belly open shrieking with satanic laughter, or your money back. Mature content, adults only. Now at Amazon.com!
Continues in FIENDS AND FREAKS now available at Amazon.com
FIENDS AND FREAKS and serpents, dragons, devils, hell-beings, anguished spirits, anti-gods, gods and other horse-thieves you wouldn't want to meet in a dark cosmos ... Three and thirty twisted tails so outrageous you'll split your belly open shrieking with satanic laughter, or your money back. Mature content, adults only. Now at Amazon.com!
NIGHTMERRIES: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF DARKNESS This so-called "book" will chew you up, spit you out, and leave you twitching and frothing on the carpet. More than 60 dark and feculent fictions (read ‘em and weep) copiously illustrated by over 20 grotesque images you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley.
AWAREWOLF & OTHER CRHYMES AGAINST HUMANITY (Vot could be Verse?) We all hate poetry, right? But we might make an exception for this sick and twisted stuff. This devil's banquet of adults-only offal features more than 50 satanic sonnets, vitriolic verses and odious odes.
MANIC MEMES & OTHER MINDSPACE INVADERS A disturbing repository of quotably quirky quotes, sayings, proverbs, maxims, ponderances, adages and aphorisms. This menagerie holds no fewer than 184 memes from eight meme-species perfectly adapted to their respective environments.
FIENDS & FREAKS Adults-only Tales of Serpents, Dragons, Devils, Lobsters, Anguished Spirits, Gods, Anti-gods and Other Horse-thieves You Wouldn't Want to Meet in a Dark Kosmos: 4th EditionHAGS TO HAGGIS Whiskey-soaked Tails of War-nags, Witches, Manticores and Escapegoats, Debottlenecking and Desilofication, Illustrated