Mastress and Other Twisted Tails, Illustrated: oUT nOW AT aMAZON!

The Mastress, drawing by SRS

OUT NOW! 144 Pages of Sheer Unadulterated [insert noun]! WARNING: Excessively Immature content!

Monstrously fat-buttocked Imperior Holocaustic III is worried. The Barbarian horror-hordes are rampaging unopposed across the Land, ransacking the wimmen and pillaging their muffins. With the sacred Scroll of Cthulhu in their possession, the invincible horror-hordes have totally smashed the Imperial armies and are advancing on the Capital itself.

With no military forces left to confront the invaders directly, Holocaustic decides instead to send a small band of infiltrators, the Outcast Mutant Outlaws (Omoze), on a covert mission under cover of stupidity to retrieve the Scroll from the Barbarians and return it to the Tomb of the Old Ones from whence it was stolen.

But this is a Land where the theft of the Scroll has allowed the forces of weirdness to emerge in strength. This is a Land where the Barbarian invaders wear white linen nose-aprons to cover their lice-ridden moustaches, where the turds of a psychopathic priest hiss and slither like serpents, and a short-sleeved shirt means having both arms amputated above the elbow.

To succeed in their mission, the Omoze must outsmart the Barbarian Chieftain, Ulrig Hausmarten, who is protected at all times by a troupe of fierce war-dogs, his beloved Dogs of Death: Dicklicker, Shiteater, Leghumper and Arsesniffer.

In a world gone mad, the cast of crazies includes the Mastress, an ancient and troublesome Guru of indeterminate gender and hazardous loincloth; Clothilde of the Gift of the Tongue, a peasant lass who talks with sparrows, nanny goats, pilchards and sphagnum moss; a blind, deaf-mute chicken-whisperer named Beaky Featherstone, and a host of other “strangelings, peculiaritisms and bizarritudes” in every town and village.

Part 1, Miscellaneous Misbegotten Malarkey, is a collection of maniacal derangements including but not limited to:

  • The Evil Sandwich
  • End of the Assholes
  • Last of the Snow-elves
  • The Tale of the Clumsy Chicken-Whisperer, and
  • Beefing up the Wiffems.

Part 2, Mastress and Other Twisted Tails, consists of 18 barbaric chapters including:

  • Mission to the Interior
  • In the Dog’s Arse, Chillin’
  • The Mountebank’s Tale
  • View From a Shit-stained Boulder
  • Meet the Parents
  • The Zombification of Bernardo of Albania
  • Enlightenment for Dummies
  • The Unfortunate Herstory of JillJack the Hermaphrodite
  • The Dogs of Death
  • How the Wizard Lost his Mojo
  • Alfresco Lunching Intense
  • Please Freeze Fleas
  • The Old One Tells of the Planetary Extinction Event (PEE).

WARNING: "Mastress" is a cacklingly bizarre read that may induce fatal hysteria. Recommended only for the strong of mind and stomach.

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AWAREWOLF & OTHER CRHYMES AGAINST HUMANITY (Vot could be Verse?) We all hate poetry, right? But we might make an exception for this sick and twisted stuff. This devil's banquet of adults-only offal features more than 50 satanic sonnets, vitriolic verses and odious odes.

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MASTRESS & OTHER TWISTED TAILS, ILLUSTRATED: an unholy corpus of strangelings, bizarritudes and peculiaritisms

FIENDS & FREAKS Adults-only Tales of Serpents, Dragons, Devils, Lobsters, Anguished Spirits, Gods, Anti-gods and Other Horse-thieves You Wouldn't Want to Meet in a Dark Kosmos: 4th Edition

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Julian Gardea said...

It's quite strange that last week I was looking up Cthulu artwork on the internet and now I'm reading it here. How exciting the story sounds, best of luck!

masterymistery said...

Hi Julian, thanks for stopping by. Yes, Lovecraftian thoughts have sunk deep into the minds of all of us who should know better! Keep up the writing -- you've got a lot of talent. Cheers, MM