the Mountebank's tale

From LIFE IN LONDON; or, The day and night scenes of Jerry Hawthorne, esq. including 'Tom & Jerry taking Blue Ruin' and 'Tom & Jerry Masquerading it among the Codgers' 
Pierce Egan (author), I. R. & G. Cruikshank (illustrators)
A rancid Monk, Constidius, contemplated his impending demise. Reclining fat and sweaty in a flea-infested armchair in a dank and scabrous room within a cheap and nasty brothel, Constidius folded his upper lip over his lower lip and blubbered like a baby.

The Barbarians were coming!

Constidius’ tunic felt wet and warm around the nether regions. Fear of the Barbarians had caused him to loose his bowels. Mirror neurons fired. Gareth, a Merovingian parrot perched upon Constidius’s shoulder, emulated the mouldy monk by letting forth a stream of faeces that streaked the front of Constidius’ tunic like the remains of a particularly vile orgy.

The Barbarians were coming!

In a nearby and none too salubrious watering Hole — the Grandmother’s Armpit — was a slippery looking weasel in a grimy coat and a velvet bow-tie speckled with snot: a Mountebank and a booze-sodden smarmy one at that. Pausing only to pour ale down his throat, the Mountebank was loudly regaling an audience of assorted losers with tales of the Barbarians, thusly:

“‘Tis whispered their balls are so big and heavy their inner thighs are always mottled with bruises and abrasions!”

No reaction from the baffled barflies. The Mountebank lifted a long and dirty finger and pointed it in the air as if admonishing a recalcitrant schoolboy, and declaimed:

“‘Tis said their leader, Ulrig Hausmarten, gnaws upon the forelegs of live children for breakfast.

“‘Tis rumoured they drink so much ale their kidneys are the size of watermelons and their livers the size of giant watermelons and their watermelons the size of giant kidneys.

“‘Tis murmured that their moustaches are so greasy and lousy that their womenfolk weave white linen nose-aprons — schnott gardeze — for the men to wear in polite company.

“‘Tis muttered their Leaderchief, the despicable cannibal Hausmarten, is twelventeen feats tall, has wobbly pectorals, likes a herring, and feeds his wardogs with the fustigated remains of pulchritudinous priests.”

The Mountebank shuddered as he recalled the events that had brought him to the Capital. Intending to swear a plaint in the Great Hall of our Fourmothers, he had been passing through Rind just as the Barbarians attacked.

Leading the charge, Ulrig Hausmarten’s shaggy war-skirts flapped in the battle-breeze as he hurdled the rows of trench-burnt babies, pectorals wobbling fearsomely with each barbaric leap. It was a favourite battle-tactic of the Barbarians for the Leaderchief’s war-skirts to be in the forefront of the attack.

Behind Hausmarten cantered his motley crew of herring-fat-smeared janissaries on their desert-donkeys, wailing in that peculiar way they have, designed they say to strike fear in the hearts of ones enemies (more like give ones enemies a splitting headache, truth be told). ...

CONTINUES in NIGHTMERRIES: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF DARKNESS out now at Amazon This so-called "book" will chew you up and spit you out on the carpet, frothing and twitching and giggling like a deranged banshee! More than 60 darkly feculent fictions. Copiously illustrated with over 20 grotesque images you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley. Includes all the twisted tails in Mastress, Hags to Haggis, and Fiends & Freaks, and THEN SOME (more). WARNING: Immature content! Adults maybe!


eBooks by Cosmic Rapture:

NIGHTMERRIES: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF DARKNESS This so-called "book" will chew you up, spit you out, and leave you twitching and frothing on the carpet. More than 60 dark and feculent fictions (read ‘em and weep) copiously illustrated by over 20 grotesque images you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley.

AWAREWOLF & OTHER CRHYMES AGAINST HUMANITY (Vot could be Verse?) We all hate poetry, right? But we might make an exception for this sick and twisted stuff. This devil's banquet of adults-only offal features more than 50 satanic sonnets, vitriolic verses and odious odes.

MANIC MEMES & OTHER MINDSPACE INVADERS A disturbing repository of quotably quirky quotes, sayings, proverbs, maxims, ponderances, adages and aphorisms. This menagerie holds no fewer than 184 memes from eight meme-species perfectly adapted to their respective environments.

FIENDS & FREAKS Adults-only Tales of Serpents, Dragons, Devils, Lobsters, Anguished Spirits, Gods, Anti-gods and Other Horse-thieves You Wouldn't Want to Meet in a Dark Kosmos: 4th Edition

HAGS TO HAGGIS Whiskey-soaked Tails of War-nags, Witches, Manticores and Escapegoats, Debottlenecking and Desilofication, Illustrated