The Twisted Tail of the Clumsy Chicken-whisperer

MASTRESS & OTHER TWISTED TAILSBaron Ludwig von Cuckenhagen had no ears but that wasn’t the greatest of his faults. Nor, indeed, was his gargantuan appetite for raw chicken legs — drum-drums they were called in those peculiar days — on which he daily munched with great aplomb (whatever that means).

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MASTRESS & OTHER TWISTED TAILS now at Amazon.com. Warning: Immature Content! Adults maybe.

MASTRESS & OTHER TWISTED TAILS

The Barbarian horror-hordes are rampaging across the Land, ransacking the wimmen and pillaging their muffins.

With the sacred Scroll of Cthulhu in their possession, the invincible horror-hordes have totally smashed the Imperial armies and are advancing on the Capital.

With no viable military forces left to confront the invaders, Monstrously fat-buttocked Imperior Holocaustic III must send a small band of infiltrators, the Outcast Mutant Outlaws (Omoze), on a covert mission under cover of stupidity to retrieve the Scroll from the Barbarians and return it to the Tomb of the Old Ones from whence it was took.

But this is a Land where the theft of the Scroll has allowed the forces of oddness to emerge in strength. This is a Land where the Barbarian invaders wear white linen nose-aprons to cover their lice-ridden moustaches, where the turds of a psychopathic priest hiss and slither like serpents, and a short-sleeved shirt means having both arms amputated above the elbow.

To succeed in their mission, the Omoze must outsmart the Barbarian Chieftain, Ulrig Hausmarten, who is protected at all times by his beloved Dogs of Death: Dicklicker, Shiteater, Leghumper and Arsesniffer.

In a world gone mad, the cast of crazies includes the Mastress, an ancient and troublesome Guru of indeterminate gender and hazardous loincloth; Clothilde of the Gift of the Tongue, a peasantess who talks with sparrows, nanny goats, pilchards and sphagnum moss; a blind, deaf-mute chicken-whisperer named Beaky Featherstone, and a host of other “strangelings, peculiaritisms and bizarritudes” in every town and village.

Part 1, Miscellaneous Misbegotten Malarkey, is a collection of unrelated mismatched maniacal derangements including but not limited to:

  • The Evil Sandwich
  • End of the Assholes
  • Last of the Snow-elves
  • Paying for Jim
  • Beefing up the Wiffems.
  • Boys will be Boys
  • Wrath of Grapes, and
  • (unfortunately) much more.

Part 2, Mastress and Other Twisted Tails, is an unfinished, never-ending epic leading nowhere and currently comprising eighteen barbaric chapters:

  • Mission to the Interior
  • In the Dog’s Arse, Chillin’
  • The Mountebank’s Tale
  • View From a Shit-stained Boulder
  • Meet the Parents
  • The Zombification of Bernardo of Albania
  • Enlightenment for Dummies
  • The Unfortunate Herstory of JillJack the Hermaphrodite
  • The Dogs of Death
  • How the Wizard Lost his Mojo
  • Alfresco Lunching in Tents
  • Please Freeze Fleas
  • The Old One Tells of the Planetary Extinction Event (PEE).

WARNING: "Mastress" is a cacklingly bizarre read that may induce fatal hysteria. Recommended only for the strong of mind and stomach. Now at Amazon.com!

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