One fine day on the eighth of May, space aliens from a faraway galaxy came to the Planet. Their mission was to conduct a census of every population of every plant and animal species on Earth. Thanks to their advanced census-taking technology it took just under a week for them to collect, collate and analyse all the data. To their horror, they found that since their previous visit, the planet’s bio-diversity index had fallen by 95%, and that a new species of hairless ape with a talent for toolmaking had arisen. The aliens identified a strong statistical correlation between those two findings.
The hairless apes pestered the aliens day and night, imploring them piteously for answers to such questions as:
“How can we solve world hunger?”
“Why are there fewer fish?”
“What happened to the bees?”
“Where have all the flowers gone?”
“Where can I get a decent tomato?”
“When will we ever learn?”
The relevant alien would turn toward the person asking the question. Each of zer seven eye-stalks in turn would vibrate in a manner suggesting bemusement. Then the alien would clench zer throat-wattles in a rather off-putting way, thereby enabling a bizarre semblance of human speech to emerge from zer central feeder-cavity. To most questions the aliens would reply, “Person of Earth, if you need more information, we suggest that you direct your enquiry to your XXXXXX…”
...
Continues in MASTRESS & OTHER TWISTED TAILS now available at Amazon.com
With no viable military forces left to confront the invaders, Monstrously fat-buttocked Imperior Holocaustic III must send a small band of infiltrators, the Outcast Mutant Outlaws (Omoze), on a covert mission under cover of stupidity to retrieve the Scroll from the Barbarians and return it to the Tomb of the Old Ones from whence it was took.
But this is a Land where the theft of the Scroll has allowed the forces of oddness to emerge in strength. This is a Land where the Barbarian invaders wear white linen nose-aprons to cover their lice-ridden moustaches, where the turds of a psychopathic priest hiss and slither like serpents, and a short-sleeved shirt means having both arms amputated above the elbow.
To succeed in their mission, the Omoze must outsmart the Barbarian Chieftain, Ulrig Hausmarten, who is protected at all times by his beloved Dogs of Death: Dicklicker, Shiteater, Leghumper and Arsesniffer.
In a world gone mad, the cast of crazies includes the Mastress, an ancient and troublesome Guru of indeterminate gender and hazardous loincloth; Clothilde of the Gift of the Tongue, a peasantess who talks with sparrows, nanny goats, pilchards and sphagnum moss; a blind, deaf-mute chicken-whisperer named Beaky Featherstone, and a host of other “strangelings, peculiaritisms and bizarritudes” in every town and village.
WARNING: Immature Content! Adults Maybe!. "Mastress" is a cacklingly bizarre read that may induce fatal hysteria. Recommended only for the strong of mind and stomach. Now at Amazon.com! HOME
NIGHTMERRIES: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF DARKNESS This so-called "book" will chew you up, spit you out, and leave you twitching and frothing on the carpet. More than 60 dark and feculent fictions (read ‘em and weep) copiously illustrated by over 20 grotesque images you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley.
AWAREWOLF & OTHER CRHYMES AGAINST HUMANITY (Vot could be Verse?) We all hate poetry, right? But we might make an exception for this sick and twisted stuff. This devil's banquet of adults-only offal features more than 50 satanic sonnets, vitriolic verses and odious odes.
MANIC MEMES & OTHER MINDSPACE INVADERS A disturbing repository of quotably quirky quotes, sayings, proverbs, maxims, ponderances, adages and aphorisms. This menagerie holds no fewer than 184 memes from eight meme-species perfectly adapted to their respective environments.
MASTRESS & OTHER TWISTED TAILS, ILLUSTRATED: an unholy corpus of oddities, strangelings, bizarritudes and peculiaritisms
FIENDS & FREAKS Adults-only Tales of Serpents, Dragons, Devils, Lobsters, Anguished Spirits, Gods, Anti-gods and Other Horse-thieves You Wouldn't Want to Meet in a Dark Kosmos: 4th Edition
HAGS TO HAGGIS Whiskey-soaked Tails of War-nags, Witches, Manticores and Escapegoats, Debottlenecking and Desilofication, Illustrated
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